Love the Way You Lie (1:52 AM)

  iReturn.    iAmBack.  

   I pull in and shut the engine off.   The stereo still plays and I let the song finish before turning the key all the way to the left, killing all circuits.  I sit there for a minute and listen to the tick-tick-ticking of the exhaust cooling off.   I brace myself.   I pull the door release, open the door, and pull myself up and out.

   I stand upright beside the car and stretch out as tall as I can be and make my back pop.   I look around inside here, I consider myself lucky for the fiftieth time in the last year and the first time in the last five months.   I have to remember, I am in control of all of this, and despite whatever elements are missing in my life, there are quite a few that I would want, quite a few that are unique and desirable, and they are not here by accident, I made them happen, I made them real.   There are things you do not know about now, or never knew about, or never had the time to know about.    Do you even know which 'you' You are?   Do you know, does the Real You know?   Is there a connection through all of this?  There is.  Whether or not You believe it or ever recognized it.   There is something, until one of us is gone.

   I see you for the first time again:  It was me who walked in and not you.   You slid over to my side of the table early on.    You touched my arm often, and it felt right, I mean, it felt RIGHT for the last time that I can remember, I often try to make these things feel right even when they do not, I want it so badly, I need an audience like She said I do, I want a close captive audience, I want to feel important and needed and I felt like we belonged together, and I was not nervous to tell you so, and I believed you when you told me the same.   You were beautiful and I loved to stare in your eyes even if it was just an act for you,  and we left and sat out in my car and made out for a few hours before heading to your house to make out more until the sun came up and I had to drive home, I had to open up and work having slept not the night before, and I was SO EXCITED!    I think that was the last time, I think you were the last one.   I also think with the expiration of this particular fantasy died my ability to believe any of it was possible anymore, now I do not trust myself or anyone else enough, I have become stale and stuck and broken.

    But I have other virtues!   I do!   I have become softer, and I do not just mean I got fat.  I am easier, I am capable of not arguing, I just get too comfortable and think I am being funny.

   I am tired now, it is like those other times I type when I should not.

   Her:     Not even important.   I was confused.   You did not figure into those days.  A Blip, a sneeze, a tiny flying insect.  With the wave of a hand the past swallows her whole.    Like pushing a button.  FF, RW ?   I want to push REC.    I'll say it to you again; I want to push REC.  I would push many buttons to make the present crystallize as it has been visioned.  I would shout out get ready! I would say to you say cheese, I would say to you here we go!  There are tools, and they are real.  The door squeezes shut in the jamb, but there is still enough room left, there has to be, there is no other option.