Even though we were fighting, or play-fighting, of which there was quickly no line of demarcation between the two, and I felt aggravated, watching her there, watching her mouth move and her lips blow out her spirited syllables, I felt something in my chest melt and grow warm, and I felt such a strong feeling of love for her I could almost not bear it any longer.
She mistook my silence for anger and looked away from me, she turned up the volume on the radio then looked out the window at the passing scenery, and while the back of her head was directed at me I whispered to her I loved her. I told the back of her head I wanted to be with her forever if it meant I could wake up and see her and spend all the rest of my mornings and subsequent days with her, or even just one more day, I told the back of her head she made me happy.
She must have heard my whispering because she suddenly spun her face back around on me like a surprised owl and demanded to know what I just said to her.
I smiled, hoping my warm feelings would float happily across the car and lodge themselves into her brain or her heart, and words would be unnecessary in this instance. This would prove something to me, it would prove my feelings had transcended this physical world and our understanding and mutual respect was of a different dimension altogether. I continued to smile, sending my benevolent wordless transmission to her through my every opening, glancing away only once or twice, briefly, just to make sure we were staying in our lane of traffic and I was not going to ram into anything or anyone. I watched her and waited, I was looking for the slightest sign of her detecting my message of love.
The expression on her face began to change, it softened a bit and then she said to me, "Take me home."
We were already 30 miles into our journey, and so I was confused as to why she wanted me to turn around now. Perhaps she wanted to be ravished suddenly? I felt that could be done just as easily parked on the side of the road in a somewhat obscured location as at her house though. Maybe she forgot something there? Some electrical heating device left on perhaps?
"What? Why?" I asked her "Are you hungry? We can stop up the road at the pie place - "
"I don't want to go anymore. This weekend is fucked. Just take me home."
I became silent for a few minutes and considered my options. Nothing smells quite so revolting as desperation, so I did not want to beg her to continue on with our plans, but I also was aware that sometimes a person just wants to be reassured that they are wanted, they long to hear kind words. Into this equation was also figured my desire for dignity maintenance, MY desire to be told kind words and reassured, and it all became very confusing for me. I was silent. I continued to drive. I was not angry, but I was contemplative. I wanted to make the right decision here. I remembered hearing that love conquers all, and knew from watching many after-school specials as a child that one's true feelings of fondness should not be stifled, and so I resolved myself to say the kind things I felt for her. As I began to draw in the breath which with I would begin this vocal expression, she beat me to this next step.
"I'm seeing someone else."
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