I AM NOT MANIC RIGHT NOW

But I had the BEST day today, EVER!

I woke up after sleeping for ALMOST NINE HOURS, and felt great. The sun was out, and it was a crisp, bright morning. I put on appropriate attire and set off for a walk/ hike.

I crossed the bridge, and shielding my eyes with a hand looked East at the skyline, picked out a landmark building and imagined her not far away, there doing whatever it is she was doing. I looked, and listened to my mix on my ipod, and felt just fine about everything. Everything is going to be Okay!

My new mix CD : I have felt like this year has really sucked, musically. I have not had many new discoveries, and the year in general has blown, which does not make for necessarily good CD mixes. You want to either fix a completely WONDERFUL time or AWFUL time with the constant listening of a CD mix, so when your year is milquetoast at best, one should not cement those new songs in place.

SO , the mix I have made this year has basically consisted of songs that have been new to me, dropped in the playlist in the order in which I have discovered or been introduced to them, and no 'mixing' has been employed. This means track # 1 is the oldest to me, and track # 17 or whatever is the newest, my last discovery, in fact. I usually mix things around for flow effect, but THIS is actually GREAT! I get the whole year in a blow-by-blow, and it is working. These may be the songs! These may be the series of songs that conjure the genie! I felt something special here. I just noticed yesterday, while I was mopping up blood with a sponge and old socks, that all the lyrics of these songs were exactly appropriate to my current situation and mood, and I felt like each musical artist was speaking DIRECTLY TO ME, and ME ONLY. This was the best playlist I HAD EVER HEARD. This was Universal Intervention tearing across unfathomable distances to make sense to me through my earbuds.

So I stood in the middle of the bridge and looked East, and imagined her there, and didn't feel sad anymore. I held tight to the railing for a moment, then turned right and continued on my journey up the hill.

Even when I got to the top of the hill and had to duck under the bright yellow 'caution' tape and ignore the sign reading " NO ACCESS. PARK CLOSED. NO PEDESTRIANS, HORSES, WALKERS, BIKERS or VEHICLES OF ANY KIND ALLOWED FROM SEPTEMBER THROUGH OCTOBER, 2010" , I knew this sign did not apply to me. I'm a local! I'm getting out and feeling great and not festering in that awful building anymore! Certainly the Multnomah County Park People would not find a problem with me lifting my spirits and getting the juices flowing, would they? NO. And if they have a problem with me, let them bring it! I was prepared to better them in any debate of civic priority.

The forest was wonderful and rejuvenating, AS USUAL. I took deep breaths and even began to jog a little, feeling a real new chapter emerging.

I stopped after a little while and began to ponder a recent story I had been writing - How would I finish it? I thought the male character seemed too unpleasant, and I began to think about how my mood at the time I write TOTALLY influences the dialogue and storyline, and I thought about my newest story, and I had a change of heart about the current path, AND I THOUGHT, RIGHT THEN AND THERE OF THE PROPER DRAMATIC ARC AND RESOLUTION! It would be happy! It could remain entertaining and funny, but provide hope! I was really feeling great now and had to turn around and head back home to mumble my new storyline into my digital voice recorder before I forgot it entirely.

SO I did. I returned. I jogged, I mumbled into my hand-held, I fixed cars, I made something healthy to eat, I engineered new plans. I feel great. My fear is though, that I am not being realistic right now. Am I being realistic right NOW, or am I being realistic when I am wishing I am dead? I don't know. Does it matter? I am going to finish all these stories now. I have targets to aim for.

SO here I am! A VERY PRODUCTIVE DAY, PEOPLE. Great. I am about to go do that thing.

I am making a list.