Will someone just tell me everything is going to be OK already ? ..... Wait . Let me start over . Those of you who know me in ' Real Life' may know I've been in a ' weird place ' the last 6 weeks or so . Quite possibly , literally , The Worst Time Of My Life ( TWTOML ) . Really . I feel completely out of control . I have little memory of what has been happening , in addition to feeling like I am not participating at all in the events that have been unfolding . No , I'm NOT drunk every night . Or even every other night . What is happening ? It is all very strange , and a frightening , anxiety-ridden blur . Panic attacks . Xanax . Adderall . Klonopin . Solutions to unknown problems . Well , some problems are known : In the last 6 weeks , I have : A) Moved out of my beloved apartment B) had to come up with $25,000 to pay a past debt C) taken a variety of anti-anxiety / anti-depressant medications that seem to only make me feel even more fucked up D) Not been able to answer my telephone for a number of valid reasons E) Been blamed for destroying a family unit .... F) Why am I bitching ? That thought occurs to me more often than most others .... What am I complaining about ? I *should* be reasonable healthy , I work for myself , have enough money to impulsively purchase most anything I want , and am not too terrible to look at . I even enjoy the occassional date .
But , for almost two months now , something feels terribly ..... wrong . I think people are looking at me funny when I go out in public . Did I remember to wear clothes ? Fly unzipped ? This *literally* crosses my mind a few times a day :" Did I remember to wear pants ? What were they smiling about ? What did I do ? " ..... Or I have delusions of grandeur and think women are admiring me when they are not . I have not exercised in all this time . I went about 10 days without eating at all the end of last month . I feel like I am frantically trying to locate the Future Missus Mosieur (FMM) in reaction to my single status at 36 years of age ... The music will suddenly stop soon , and I will be left standing . Alone and exposed . I am in no condition to meet anyone right now . I need to put all these clothes away , and get rid of the cardboard boxes , and finish cleaning the restaurant equipment to sell , and send away the neglected Ebay Sold Items , and remember to take a shower and brush my teeth , and where will I sleep ? This is a nice couch , it will do for now , why is my throat so sore ? Why am I dizzy ? I'll go download some music . I'll check online ' I saw you ' notices to see if anyone , has in fact , seen me . I'll make a drink . I'll drive around . I'll worry . I just won't work . The worst part is I feel like I'm just floating around with no ability to change any of this . Complete loss of control . I can't even remember to buy stamps , or vacuum the floor , or where these cups are supposed to go .
I haven't been able to get it together enough to even play my guitar ( The only thing that has proven consistently effective to calm me ) in the last month . I don't know why .
For those of you who have not met me yet , WELCOME . This is a less than flattering picture of me ... But I feel it is accurate at this moment in time . I just need a focus . A reason , if you will . I need a reason . Those who have known me for any length of time will tell you I am thoughtful , resourceful , kind , helpful & honorable . Albeit moody . I have decent references , really . It's just holidays , Christmas , impending Valentine's Day . It is cold . It is muddy . I have to be outside . When do we get to wear the blue suit ?
I really have nothing to say . I just wanted to type . I want to be found , rocked to sleep , and have someone whisper in my ear that everything is going to be OK . I think I am too old for this shit .
On the other hand , the weather will get better in a couple of months , I get to move anywhere I want , and within 6-9 months can write my own ticket to do most anything I want . I'll snap out of it . I always do . Right ? Is someone coming with me ? Do you hear me ? I'll stop sniffling and coughing soon . Right ? There is a solution somehow in front of me , I just need to decipher it and put it together . It is probably not as bad as it seems anyway . Right ?
Everything will be OK , right ?
I will say this : I can't wait to go to sleep .
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