Is it too late for me ? Is this what it feels like ? Dozens of notebooks full of nonsense , empty Vodka bottles , hundreds of DVDs , while friends have wives and children ? Is this it ? I mean , I know it could be worse . I could have an embarrassing venereal disease , a withered limb , or less DVDs . I know , I know . I'm not complaining . I am just making an observation , articulating a thought that has occurred to me dozens of times in the last year or two : I FEEL LIKE AN AMAZING POTENTIAL SACRIFICE . Very samuri-esque , if I may go so far . Without a family of my own , but just enough youth left to be (somewhat) physically strong and (stretching here) mentally sharp .... I have potential . Not to be a great date ( although I think I could be an OK date ) , or husband ( Again , I think I *could* , but who knows ? at 36 I don't really want to keep hit-and-missing ) , but I could be something even more impressive - A Human Sacrifice . REALLY . If a friend's child were kidnapped , I could , without having to think twice , exchange my life for their's . My only limit is will , void of commitment to another person , if you have any idea what I am trying to say . If I am NOT going to be someone's father , or husband , I may as well act out all of my impulses and live just how I want , selfishly . Non-root-putting-down . I just need to create SOMETHING . I have stories I have written . I think I need to be drunk more often to really live though - and *maybe* I could pull a Bukowski ? I know that is setting my sights very high - BUT - Why not ? Some people want to be astronauts . What about people who want to be dentists ? Forget that I said that for a minute . .... I'll be happy just living in a semi-haze of inebriation , provided I can be published , doing the things my married friends want to do , but can't . AND , as a bonus , unknown to any of them , I can be smug in my knowledge that like a tightly wound spring , I posses an energy they can not afford to entertain ... I can step in front of a bus for any of them . For a stranger . Absorb or administer a bullet . Provide a kidney ( maybe ? Do they go bad the same way as a liver does ? ) . I already seem to feel physical pain much less than I used to just a few years ago - Is this part of the process of becoming a proxy ? I become less real in order to do something that others can't consider ...? Whatever . I'm out of all forms of alcohol right now . It is 9:30 on a Sunday - My fingers are numb . And I still have more laundry to do . I don't think there is any time left to turn back . Not time exactly , but possibility . Which in a way , is very liberating .
Or this could just be some 'Early January Blues '? Valentine's Day just beginning to enter the realm of ' More Things To Be Depressed About ' in the upcoming weeks ? I should be doing something else right now . I'll go do pushups instead .
I'm a poker chip with a soul patch . The good news is physical fear is now a thing of the past . The bad news is I still worry about my purpose too much .
Why am I typing here ? I wish I could fly . I want to be able to freeze time . I think I can already read minds ....
Melodramatic turn after turn , but really , it is just an exercise .
Happy 2007
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