OMINOUS HARBINGER TYPED February 2007:

...I also want to address the acerbic attitude in my missives . Sure , I'm cynical and bitter , but I'm not ALL bad . I'm not really a Big Bundy Buddy , or totally hateful person . I perform the occasional favor , and can often be counted on to help carry heavy things or fix mechanical items . I listen , I swear to god , I do . I care . I even wish happiness upon those people I pretend to be upset with . It's just my schtick . Everyone needs a gimmick , mine is Snappy Cynical Guy . Sometimes I revert to Way Too Sensitive Guy , and occasionally , Drunk Guy , but I'd like to be remembered most for being Snappy Cynical Guy ( Who Still Cared ) . SCG(WSC) for short . OK ? OK . I'm glad we had this talk . Now back to my deterioration :

How To Self Destruct And Not Draw Too Much Attention :

You see , Self-Destruction is sort of fun in a way . You get to drink too much , say whatever you think , not pay your bills , impulse buy ridiculous items , sleep with strangers , the list goes on and on . BUT , what you don't need is any MEDDLING. Interventions . Sure , the attention is occasionally welcome - Like hearing from someone : " Are you OK ?" At least illustrates some connection with other people . ( Which we as humans , like it or not , usually crave ) What you don't want is someone pouring your alcohol down the sink , however . So , the trick is , actually very simple .

It is obvious , actually . Don't let people know . You can act out , irresponsibly , dangerously even , but not with the same person/people all the time . Switch up your cohorts .

It reminds me of a story I once read in a Psychology class . There is this collection of stories written by an .... Oliver Sacks .? ( I think ) - An experienced doctor in brain disorders - And he wrote a collection of short stories drawing from his case histories . The story I always remembered was called ' The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat ' . Without getting into too much detail about this subjects' actual organic brain dysfunction , I'll jump right to the result : He could not connect all the things he saw at once into the ' Complete Picture' of his vision . He saw a face as eyes , a nose , eyebrows , forehead , somehow all separately . He couldn't recognize a face as one *thing* , but instead as a conglomeration of it's parts . So somehow this guy used to go yank on his wife's head , and try to wear it . It was a Gestalt thing. I forget the mechanics of why and how of this punchline , but it made sense at the time .

How this relates to the story of how to successfully conceal your downward spiral ( While enthusiastically enjoying it ) is to not let any one person see too much and recognize it for what it is .

So , with ONE friend you can be drunk frequently , but appear to get work done on a daily schedule. ANOTHER friend can know you have gotten no work done in weeks , but you manage to pay your bills somehow . Still another person can know you don't pay your bills , but you never drink in front of this person . Very few people can know you have a cache of weapons .

In addition to the ' Nondisclosure Of Entire Picture ' , it is essential to appear physically lucid ( when possible ) , and neatness counts . Be sure to shave every three or four days when possible . Own suits , or at least clean clothes that sort of make an ' outfit ' , and wear them when in public . Pay for other people's things . They love you for it , and don't want to know too much about whether or not you paid your power bill yet or not as long as the drinks keep coming . If educated , use your big words as much as possible when around other educated people . They'll be so busy trying to 'up-word' you , they won't notice you're slurring . When around the ' Not So Educated ' , you don't even have to try too hard and you'll appear like you have your shit together . Word-wise . Some people are even impressed by mere spelling . Be bold in your convictions , know your arguments , ( practice , practice , practice ) defend yourself without wavering , and most everyone will be impressed enough not to guess anything was even really wrong at all .

If there is anything wrong with you at all , that is .

Of course , you can't advertise this is an internet BLOG and expect not to be scrutinized a little more than usual . But I tell you what : Most people are so involved in their own lives , that unless your tradgedy can be related directly to their own actions or contact with you , they won't really notice either . They are too busy wanting YOU to notice THEM . So if you must blog , be prepared to defend your words and actions . This is at best a creative process , and at worst a Cry For Help , AKA Call For Attention , which we as humans crave . We just want to feel important . To some other human. Whether it is a mate , friend , or child . What am I saying ???

Well , I was Cold and Tired , not having slept in two days , or eaten in three. I did manage to shave my face today , so a clean shirt , shoes and a jacket and nobody would notice . Why would they ?

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Common Theme. This one from January 2007:

Will someone just tell me everything is going to be OK already ? ..... Wait . Let me start over . Those of you who know me in ' Real Life' may know I've been in a ' weird place ' the last 6 weeks or so . Quite possibly , literally , The Worst Time Of My Life ( TWTOML ) . Really . I feel completely out of control . I have little memory of what has been happening , in addition to feeling like I am not participating at all in the events that have been unfolding . No , I'm NOT drunk every night . Or even every other night . What is happening ? It is all very strange , and a frightening , anxiety-ridden blur . Panic attacks . Xanax . Adderall . Klonopin . Solutions to unknown problems . Well , some problems are known : In the last 6 weeks , I have : A) Moved out of my beloved apartment B) had to come up with $25,000 to pay a past debt C) taken a variety of anti-anxiety / anti-depressant medications that seem to only make me feel even more fucked up D) Not been able to answer my telephone for a number of valid reasons E) Been blamed for destroying a family unit .... F) Why am I bitching ? That thought occurs to me more often than most others .... What am I complaining about ? I *should* be reasonable healthy , I work for myself , have enough money to impulsively purchase most anything I want , and am not too terrible to look at . I even enjoy the occassional date .



But , for almost two months now , something feels terribly ..... wrong . I think people are looking at me funny when I go out in public . Did I remember to wear clothes ? Fly unzipped ? This *literally* crosses my mind a few times a day :" Did I remember to wear pants ? What were they smiling about ? What did I do ? " ..... Or I have delusions of grandeur and think women are admiring me when they are not . I have not exercised in all this time . I went about 10 days without eating at all the end of last month . I feel like I am frantically trying to locate the Future Missus Mosieur (FMM) in reaction to my single status at 36 years of age ... The music will suddenly stop soon , and I will be left standing . Alone and exposed . I am in no condition to meet anyone right now . I need to put all these clothes away , and get rid of the cardboard boxes , and finish cleaning the restaurant equipment to sell , and send away the neglected Ebay Sold Items , and remember to take a shower and brush my teeth , and where will I sleep ? This is a nice couch , it will do for now , why is my throat so sore ? Why am I dizzy ? I'll go download some music . I'll check online ' I saw you ' notices to see if anyone , has in fact , seen me . I'll make a drink . I'll drive around . I'll worry . I just won't work . The worst part is I feel like I'm just floating around with no ability to change any of this . Complete loss of control . I can't even remember to buy stamps , or vacuum the floor , or where these cups are supposed to go .

I haven't been able to get it together enough to even play my guitar ( The only thing that has proven consistently effective to calm me ) in the last month . I don't know why .

For those of you who have not met me yet , WELCOME . This is a less than flattering picture of me ... But I feel it is accurate at this moment in time . I just need a focus . A reason , if you will . I need a reason . Those who have known me for any length of time will tell you I am thoughtful , resourceful , kind , helpful & honorable . Albeit moody . I have decent references , really . It's just holidays , Christmas , impending Valentine's Day . It is cold . It is muddy . I have to be outside . When do we get to wear the blue suit ?

I really have nothing to say . I just wanted to type . I want to be found , rocked to sleep , and have someone whisper in my ear that everything is going to be OK . I think I am too old for this shit .

On the other hand , the weather will get better in a couple of months , I get to move anywhere I want , and within 6-9 months can write my own ticket to do most anything I want . I'll snap out of it . I always do . Right ? Is someone coming with me ? Do you hear me ? I'll stop sniffling and coughing soon . Right ? There is a solution somehow in front of me , I just need to decipher it and put it together . It is probably not as bad as it seems anyway . Right ?

Everything will be OK , right ?


I will say this : I can't wait to go to sleep .

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2007 Melodrama, continued

Critical mass achieved ?

Is it too late for me ? Is this what it feels like ? Dozens of notebooks full of nonsense , empty Vodka bottles , hundreds of DVDs , while friends have wives and children ? Is this it ? I mean , I know it could be worse . I could have an embarrassing venereal disease , a withered limb , or less DVDs . I know , I know . I'm not complaining . I am just making an observation , articulating a thought that has occurred to me dozens of times in the last year or two : I FEEL LIKE AN AMAZING POTENTIAL SACRIFICE . Very samuri-esque , if I may go so far . Without a family of my own , but just enough youth left to be (somewhat) physically strong and (stretching here) mentally sharp .... I have potential . Not to be a great date ( although I think I could be an OK date ) , or husband ( Again , I think I *could* , but who knows ? at 36 I don't really want to keep hit-and-missing ) , but I could be something even more impressive - A Human Sacrifice . REALLY . If a friend's child were kidnapped , I could , without having to think twice , exchange my life for their's . My only limit is will , void of commitment to another person , if you have any idea what I am trying to say . If I am NOT going to be someone's father , or husband , I may as well act out all of my impulses and live just how I want , selfishly . Non-root-putting-down . I just need to create SOMETHING . I have stories I have written . I think I need to be drunk more often to really live though - and *maybe* I could pull a Bukowski ? I know that is setting my sights very high - BUT - Why not ? Some people want to be astronauts . What about people who want to be dentists ? Forget that I said that for a minute . .... I'll be happy just living in a semi-haze of inebriation , provided I can be published , doing the things my married friends want to do , but can't . AND , as a bonus , unknown to any of them , I can be smug in my knowledge that like a tightly wound spring , I posses an energy they can not afford to entertain ... I can step in front of a bus for any of them . For a stranger . Absorb or administer a bullet . Provide a kidney ( maybe ? Do they go bad the same way as a liver does ? ) . I already seem to feel physical pain much less than I used to just a few years ago - Is this part of the process of becoming a proxy ? I become less real in order to do something that others can't consider ...? Whatever . I'm out of all forms of alcohol right now . It is 9:30 on a Sunday - My fingers are numb . And I still have more laundry to do . I don't think there is any time left to turn back . Not time exactly , but possibility . Which in a way , is very liberating .

Or this could just be some 'Early January Blues '? Valentine's Day just beginning to enter the realm of ' More Things To Be Depressed About ' in the upcoming weeks ? I should be doing something else right now . I'll go do pushups instead .

I'm a poker chip with a soul patch . The good news is physical fear is now a thing of the past . The bad news is I still worry about my purpose too much .

Why am I typing here ? I wish I could fly . I want to be able to freeze time . I think I can already read minds ....

Melodramatic turn after turn , but really , it is just an exercise .

Happy 2007

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