Grown Men Also Bleed

                               5/18/2012

    Dear Portland Parking Enforcement People  :

       I recently bought this vehicle, a 1999   Land Rover Discovery  Tennessee plate # 974JSD .    I also recently   (February 2012)  Moved into a house at 1517 SW 17^TH st, Portland OR 97201.    

   On 4/27/2012,    I went outside to find two parking tickets on my car.     One was for parking in a ‘loading zone’   directly in front of my house.     It was my understanding that that space had a 20 minute time limit from 7AM-8PM M-Friday, and I was issued this ticket at 7:11 in the morning,   less than 20 minutes before the enforced time of 7:20 -       I do not think I should be responsible for this parking ticket because it was actually issued before it would have been a violation.

  At the same time  I was issued another ticket for expired registration (more than 90 days current)   for $140 –   I actually had a trip permit at the time hanging in the car that was not observed by the parking officer.     I should not be responsible for this ticket either.

    In the meantime I have sold the vehicle for scrap, as it was suffering from a number of complicated problems.     Good Riddance to that one, I say.     It is gone,  and I want it’s associated parking violations to be gone along with it.    I will not be haunted by its memory, or semi-paranoid visions of parking enforcement officers lurking nefariously in their tiny carts, waiting to descend upon me, like vultures upon something dying or already dead.    The car is gone, and I want nothing more to do with it, and I say the parking citations issued on that hideous morning are invalid, and predatory to boot.  

    Please find the enclosed afore-mentioned citations.    I recommend you shred or burn them, whichever is easiest for you there in your office.      If you feel that you want to pursue the issue further,   if you feel your agent was justified in their issuance of said citations,   if you feel truly righteous in this matter, then by all means make a copy for your records and  then mail to them to me again at my address there in Sector A and hear from my lawyer in short order! 

     Please forgive me for bleeding all over the citations and envelopes provided for them.    I am in fact a hemophiliac with high blood pressure and discovering the tickets that morning sent me into a spell.    I did not bleed on them on purpose, as I have been accused of doing in the past,   it was due to circumstances beyond my control and I apologize.    I am not meant to be long here in this world, but please, do not let that influence your decision to blight my final days here on this Earth with your parking citations.    If a demand must be made for payment, I suppose this sort of thing may be best handled in probate court after my passing…    I’m sorry,  I digress.  The point was,  I AM sorry for bleeding on your citations. 

  I can be contacted at 503-505-7113 , and all correspondence can be mailed to me at my residence: 1517 SW 17^TH ST, Portland OR 97201 -   

    Thank you, Zak Mosieur

Okay, but where is my shit?

After a perfectly worded request for a tracking number, I get this:

Hi. You should be nervous, I am!!! I went to the Post Office amongst much personal drama going on . . . feels like I can barely hold it together. I got my first non-payments ever . . . two this week! They could not locate the box . . . I have to go back, as they are trying to figure out who was delivering to my house & if they know anything. There are three different delivery people & they are lazier than the next. I want to refund your money until this is resolved. I have never refunded anyones money before & I am worried about how it is done. I don't have all the money in my Paypal . . . about half. I know it's linked to my back account, I just don't want it to take long. I want it to go right back to you. Do you know what happens if I hit the refund button? I will try it in the morning if I don't hear from you. I will also go back to the Post Office before work tomorrow. I'm going to tell you a secret. It's dumb, but I want you to know why I'm very worried about this situation. There is a rumour that I am having an affair with the Post Master. I t sounds silly, I know, but someone (I am assuming who works there) called my husband at his office & told him this. My hubby came unglued & we had alot of problems since. There is no possible way this could be true which makes it so nasty. I think one of the workers has a crush on the Post Master & started this rumor. I am considered very attractive & I think they are jealous & petty. I've gotten threatening letters through the mail & the old Super-visor actually came to my house "to find out why the delivery guy took so long at my house". I sold a lot on eBay at the time, which was the only reason. There was a constant stream of packages coming & going. One of the deilvery guys would also park his truck across from front door & leer at me. Very gross. The stories get even worse! I am embarrassed that you are dragged into this. Do you use Jicky or collect the bottles? I may have another.

   The next day,   it gets weird:

Hi . I swear it's getting crazier & crazier around here. I got into it with my hubby because I thought maybe he had picked it up & not told me. But, he said he didn't. I The Post Office claims that only the Supervisor can trace it & that she wasn't in. I gave them the tracking number & said I'd be back, but I got held up at work & couldn't get back. When I looked at the clock it was too late. This is driving me crazy! So, you wear the scent? I was selling these from my Hubby's collection. He wears Jicky becasue I love how it smells on him! I wanted to tell you that we have another bottle of the cologne. I was selling his doubles. The bottle is full & smells nice. I actually tested it a couple of times when my hubby wasn't around becasue I wanted to smell it. He got mad at me. Said only he could wear it! Anyway, I would send it to you if you like. I know I won that bottle for over $200. You know there is another buyer having the exact same problems that I'm having with my Post Office. It's really eerie, I thought I was the only one! Check out the negative feedback I just got. I swear, everyone's going crazy! She told me to cancel the bid & then she gives me that feedback!! Yikes!

     And after a week, there's this: 


 

 Hi. When it rains, it pours! My Paypal business card was stolen & whomever stole it drained it at KMart! I've been really worried that they had access to my bank account, but apparently that can not be accessed except online. According to Paypal's rules, the only way I can get my money back is to close the account. Sadly, I think I know who stole my card & thought I could confront her. But apparently, I am chicken. I had my chance to, but I couldn't. If I have to close it, I will refund you before that. I've had 2 other packages lost & found during this week. One found it's way here & there is no explanation what happened. Another found it's way to my buyer & she said the mess up was with her Post Office & it was too complicated & stupid to explain, but she got her perfume, so she's happy. That only leaves yours. On another strange note, creep-o Post guy is now delivering my mail again! I came home after being away on the other side of the island (ex-husband drama) & I was getting my over-night bag out of the truck & here he comes! I ran back in the house since I had my night-clothes on & my son waited to see if there were packages. He walked right by my son & walked it to the door~ I had to slam the door shut before he saw me. I've had my kids waiting for any packages, but it was just my car part~ my hubby seems to think he's a mechanic now (NOT!).

-(name hidden to protect the drag-addled&insane)